Muse

The words come at this hour most every day. Like a fever. The muse lay dormant for so long I forgot what it felt like to feel her. To hold her. To listen to and be heard.

Where have you been? Why have you returned now? At this moment in my life? At this hour of the day?

Will you stay?

It’s been difficult to quiet my mind these past few weeks. I go to bed wondering if she’ll be there in the morning at her appointed hour. Will something be revealed? If so, will I be able to understand?

Stella sleeps. She seems, as most children do, to live in happy balance with her muse. It’s a part of her. I lived like that once as a child. It seemed so natural. Like breathing.

So.

I invite her into my life once more. I will embrace her like a lover. I will be vulnerable and open. I will feel and be touched. I’ll bare my soul and listen with my heart. I will wake with delight knowing she is there. I will have gratitude for her presence in my life at this moment. At this hour.

And.

I will despair when she leaves.

I just wanted to say

The last three years have been both a sorrow and a joy. My marriage ending, and with it the promise of forever, has been the sorrow. The fear was, I had taken something away from the people I loved most, that I had failed. With this sense of failure came anger and resentment. Two emotions that want to devour all that is good and noble in us. I didn’t want to heal myself, to move on, to grieve. I wanted to wallow in it. My ego was threatened and needed to be proved right. I allowed something beautiful to slip through my fingers.

The joy has been to see all three of us, Stella, Lindsay, and I begin to grow, in small ways and large, that have transformed that promise of forever. I have begun to grieve the loss of something I held dear, and with grieving, the clouds are parting. Exposing my ego to light has stopped the festering of not only the wound of this failure, but, hopefully, old wounds that have caused harm to many relationships.

The constellation of “We Three” spinning through the cosmos still exists. It has merely changed into something different. Something bigger. Other stars have, and will, join its orbit. The dance will continue with a new promise. The marriage may have ended, but that hasn’t changed the love that we give Stella or our ability to nurture her.

There is a center to this new constellation.

Stella.

Her light will always shine brighter than all the others.

This past summer has seen a burst of growth for her. She has become more confident emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Curiosity abounds and compassion flourishes. Mornings start with a smile and she walks with joy throughout the day.

“Dad.”

“Yes, sweet.”

“I just wanted to say I love you.”

This simple dialogue which occurs daily, at such random moments, is a constant reminder of the light that is within her and her ability to be in the moment, recognize it and express her delight in the purest way.

I’ve also experienced some growth this past summer. I’m learning to let go of resentment and shame through compassion and self care. Stella is showing me how to walk with joy and to allow myself to be in the world again. To embrace the moment with a sense of wonder and delight.

To all the stars in my constellation,

big and small,

near and far,

old and new,

“I just wanted to say I love you.”

Love

Stella is 4 now and my love for her grows with each passing day.  She is the light of my life, always reminding me of how all-encompassing love can be.

Love

When she’s sick, how all my thoughts turn to her.  How can I bring her comfort and relief?  A piece of my hearts aches each time she gets hurt, both physically and emotionally.  To tell her it will all be ok.  To feed her soul as much as I nourish her body.

I feel as though I am lying sometimes.  Life can be brutish and cruel.  It isn’t always full of ease.

I have had a hard road of it at times.  The path I am presently on is not easy and I find myself walking through some dark woods.  Each day I try to find my bearings.  I try to cut my way through the emotional and spiritual bullshit that has built up over a lifetime.  These are woods i have helped create.

But…

There is light shining through and it’s not all darkness and grief.  I’m slowly eliminating the rot, clearing the undergrowth, and discovering that there is a way out.  That way is ultimately lit by love.  The love that I have for a child and the love she returns to me tenfold.  The love I can rediscover for myself through forgiveness and integrity.  The love I have for a woman, that runs deep, that grounds me.  The love my Higher Power has always had.

Love conquers all?  I’d like to believe that.  I do know that love is the balm that heals all and it comes to us in many forms.  I’ve been cut, scraped and bruised in my walk through life, but I will keep walking because the promise of life, the balm of love is ever-present.

Stella sleeps in the other room, surrounded by light and love.  The healing has begun.

We Three

I just carried Stella off to bed.  The house is quiet except for the sound of rain and the new kitten, probably up to no good.  My wife, Lindsay, is at the studio, finishing off her weekly studio time.  She goes to the studio for three days while I’m off from my job and usually works at least ten to twelve hours each of those days.  It can be hard on all of us. The time apart.  But it’s essential to our future.  I may be biased, but Lindsay is an amazing artist and has found success here in town and will no doubt garner a larger audience.  I have always believed this.

We Three

We three.  Sometimes apart, but always together.

Stella will ask for Mamma during this time, but knows that she will come back. She says the same thing of me when I’m gone.  I know that she’s not confused by the time apart.  She trusts us to return.  She trusts us to protect her.  There’s a bond of trust we have tried it instill in her that will not be broken or diminished. I lose count of the number of times she says,” Daddy.  I love you.” And gives me a hug.  And each time it melts my heart.  Each time it’s a confirmation of that trust.

We three.  As if we found long lost friends and will never let go.

If she wakes in the night, Lindsay will go to her room and scoop her up in her arms and bring her back to our bed.  We have a full size bed.  Pretty small even for two and as Stella grows and the addition of a cat, things can get pretty crowded.  

I dont mind though.  In fact, I love it!  I’ve never felt so connected to two other beings.  ( The jury is still out on Gyp, the cat, who still wakes me rather early with a pounce and a nibble to the chin ).  The love I feel when I wake in the morning far outweighs the sore back.  

We three.  Sitting up in bed together preparing to face the day.  

I will go off to work in the morning and there will be Mamma – Stella day.  My time apart will begin.  I will be filled in on the days events, the moments missed, the milestones reached.  My body will be somewhere else but my heart will be with them.  

We three.  We are like the spokes of a wheel, inexorably linked, and spinning through time.  

 

 

 

 

New Soul Song

Stella Lu LiVigni was born October 12th at 4:21 pm.

Stella Lu

She weighed 6 pounds 8.4 ounces and was 19 and 1/4 inches long at the time of birth.

I love you Lindsay.

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

I love you Stella.

Truly. Madly. Deeply.

Welcome to the world little one.

My Love

It’s raining.

my love

Lindsay is getting some well deserved sleep on this classic autumn day.  Not much longer now and other than an iron deficiency, she’s doing great.  I’d like to take a moment to express my love and admiration for my wife.  She’s been a trooper for the last nine months.  I couldn’t even imagine what her body has been going through.

She’s ready.  Past ready.

We’re both looking forward to meeting our little girl.  What will she look like?  Well, once the initial wrinkly stage is over.  What will her temperament be like?  One thing I know for sure is that she will be wonderful.  And she’ll have the most amazing mom in the world.

So, I just wanted to say to my beautiful wife, Lindsay.  Thank you.

I love you.